I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.’

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it Jumping up and down.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

On my tombstone it will say: ‘I tried everything – nothing was easy.’

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother’s tasted better the day before.